The Untold Story of Jack and Jill and the Beanstalk

This is an absolutely silly and childish sketch I wrote seven years ago for the annual Sixth Form dinner in High School Bukit Mertajam. This sketch was never performed due to time restraints and I thank the universe for that.

The Untold Story of Jack and Jill and the Beanstalk

by

Suresh Ramskay

Narrator

Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I’m going to tell you all a beautiful love story that may disgust you. This love story is about a boy and a girl who lived somewhere in Bukit Mertajam. The boy’s name is Jack.

(Jack enters. He smiles and waves to the audience)

Narrator

That’s Jack ladies and gentlemen. Handsome guy, isn’t he? Absolutely good looking tonight, Jack.

Jack

Shut up lah, you!

Narrator

Okay. The girl’s name is Jill.

(Jill enters, a little coy)

Jack

You look beautiful, Jill. Lovely.

Narrator

Wait a minute. I’m supposed to say that.

Jack

Shut up lah, you!

(Jack and Jill hold hands)

Narrator

Well, as you can see, Jack and Jill are madly in love with each other.

Jack

I love you, Jill.

Jill

I love you, Jack.

Narrator

They love each other so much…

Jack

I love you so much, my dearest nasi kandar.

Jill

I love you so much, my roti canai.

Narrator

…sometimes they make me wanna vomit.

(Jack and Jill stare at the Narrator, angry)

Narrator

I said sometimes. Not all the time.

(They still stare)

Narrator

I’m not vomiting NOW!

Jill

Bodoh.

(Jack and Jill get back to each other)

Narrator

Well, back to the story. Jack and Jill are so in love with each other that they do almost everything together. They eat together.

Jack

What shall we eat tonight?

Jill

Hmm… dinner?

Jack

Genius!

Narrator

They play together.

Jill

Pull my finger.

(Jack pulls Jill’s finger. Jill farts)

Jack

Genius!

Narrator

And they even study together.

Jack

What’s the square root of 9?

Jill

I think it’s a rambutan tree.

Jack

Genius!

Narrator

To make a really long story short, one day…

Jack

Hey, Jill. Wanna go up the hill to fetch a pail of water?

Jill

But what if you fall down and break your crown and I come tumbling after?

Jack

Don’t be silly.

Narrator

So, Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.

(Jack and Jill go up the hill)

Narrator

Well, Jack fell down and broke his crown…

(Jack falls)

Narrator

…and Jill came tumbling after.

(Jill falls too)

Jack

I’m alright! But my crown is broken.

(Jack takes out a tiny crown from his pocket. It’s broken)

Jill

I’m hurt, Jack. I think I sprained my ankle.

Jack

Let me check.

(Jack inspects Jill’s hand)

Jill

Jack, that’s my hand!

Jack

Oh my God! Your ankle switched places with your hand!

Jill

Go get a doctor!

(Jack runs off and returns seconds later with a doctor)

Doctor

Tell me what happened and start from the beginning.

Jack

Okay. I was born on the 2^nd of May 1984…

Jill

I sprained my ankle!

Jack

It switched places with her hand.

Doctor

You sprained your ankle and it switched places with your hand???

Jill

No! I just sprained my ankle!

Jack

I’m telling you, it switched places with her hand.

Doctor

Alright, let me check your ankle, Jill.

(Jack carries Jill’s hand, showing it to the doctor)

Doctor

That’s her hand, Jack!

Jack

You see! What did I tell you?

Doctor

I’m going to need some money to buy her medicines.

Jack

How much?

Doctor

Fifty ringgit.

Jack

Fifty ringgit??!!

Jill

My ankle!

Doctor

There’s no time, Jack. I need that fifty and I need it now!

Jack

Where am I going to get that much money? My mother! She’ll help!

(Jack runs home to his mother)

Jack

Mother! Mother!

Jack’s Mother

Jack! Where have you been all day long?! Tell me the truth! Are you a Mat Rempit?

(Jack’s Mother starts whacking Jack with a broom)

Jack

No! Stop it! I was with Jill. She’s hurt!

Jack’s Mother

Jill’s hurt? What happened?

Jack

It’s her ankle. It switched places with her hand and now she’s a freak. I need fifty ringgit to fix her.

Jack’s Mother

We don’t have fifty ringgit, Jack. All we have are those four useless cows.

(Jack’s Mother points to the four useless cows: Tom, Dick, Harry and Muthusamy)

Jack

I can sell them at the market for money.

Jack’s Mother

But those cows are all that we have left.

Jack

Please, mother. For Jill’s sake.

Jack’s Mother

Okay, Jack. For Jill. Take the cows.

(Jack takes the cows and leaves)

Jack’s Mother

Jack, one more thing: Who the heck is Jill?

Narrator

Without further explanation, Jack rushes off to the market. On his way, he meets an old smelly man.

Old Man

Hey there, boy. Where you headed to with those cows?

Jack

To the market. I’m going to sell them.

Old Man

Forget the market. I’ll buy your cows.

Jack

Really? You will?

Old Man

Sure. How much?

(The Old Man takes out his wallet)

Jack

200 ringgit.

Old Man

200 ringgit??!! Hey! You nuts ah??!! You think this one what… Jennifer Lopez and the family ah??!! They’re just useless cows.

Jack

No money, no talk.

Old Man

Tell you what… you give me those four useless cows and I’ll give you these magical beans.

(Old Man shows Jack the beans)

Jack

Magical beans? What do they do?

Old Man

Magic! Plant them. Let them grow. Climb the plant and you’ll find a fortune just waiting for you.

Jack

Are you lying?

Old Man

Maybe. But as long as you’re dumb, stupid and you’ll believe anything, I guess it doesn’t matter.

Jack

Okay. I’ll take them.

(Old Man and Jack trade. Old Man leaves)

Narrator

So, without wasting any time, Jack plants the beans immediately. Suddenly, something happens. The beans start to grow. Jack climbs the beanstalk until he reaches the top. He sees a big, beautiful castle and enters it. Suddenly…

(Giant enters)

Giant

Aaargh!!!

Narrator

The castle’s giant sees Jack and becomes very, very angry.

Jack

No! Please don’t eat me! I don’t wanna die!

(Giant looks confused. He looks at the audience and then at Jack)

Giant

Boleh tolong cakap Bahasa Malaysia tak? Aku tak paham English lah.

Jack

Ye lah.

Giant

Hang ni sapa? Hang nak apa?

Jack

Aku Jack. Aku nak duit.

Giant

Aku boleh bagi hang berapa pun yang hang nak… dengan syarat hang ambil ujian dulu.

Jack

Ujian apa pulak?

Giant

Ujian ni.

(Giant memberikan sekeping kertas kepada Jack)

Jack

Ujian Matematik??!!

Giant

Baca soalan.

Jack

Berdasarkan maklumat yang diberi, anda dikehendaki melukis sebuah carta pai. Carta anda harus lah berbentuk pai dan bukan berbentuk burger atau ais krim Nestle. Masa yang diberikan adalah 15 minit. Sekiranya anda meniru, pastikan tiada siapa menangkap anda. Selamat berjaya.

Narrator

Jack pun terpaksa membuat ujian tersebut demi menyelamatkan Jill. Beberapa minit kemudian…

Jack

Dah siap!

Giant

Woi! Apa ni?! Aku suruh hang buat carta pai, hang pi buat graf garis pasai apa?

Jack

Cikgu aku tak ajar lagi lah macam mana nak lukis carta pai.

Giant

Kurang asam betul! Awak akan mati sekarang!

Jack

Tunggu! Kalau awak nak bunuh saya, awak kena jawab soalan saya dulu. Kalau awak jawab dengan betul, awak boleh makan saya. Tapi, kalau tidak, saya harus dilepaskan dan dibayar wang sejumlah sejuta ringgit sebagai pampasan.

Giant

Baik lah. Teruskan.

Jack

Soalannya, berbunyi begini. Keretapi A bertolak dari stesen A pada pukul 10 pagi. Keretapi A ingin ke stesen B. Perjalanan dari stesen A ke stesen B ialah selama dua jam. Dalam perjalanan, keretapi A meletup dan berkecai. Soalannya, di manakah letaknya Tembok Besar China?

Giant

Alamak. Susah ni. Saya nak gunakan talian hayat rakan telefon.

Jack

Siapa yang ingin anda hubungi?

Giant

Rakan baik saya, Bill Clinton.

Jack

Baik. Hello? Bill ke tu?

Bill Clinton

Yes, Bill speaking.

Jack

Bill, saya bersama rakan anda Giant yang ingin bantuan anda untuk menjawab soalan yang akan menentukan hidup mati saya. Anda sudah bersedia?

Bill Clinton

What?

Jack

Baik. 10 saat dari sekarang.

Giant

Keretapi…

Bill Clinton

Dey, Giant! Long time no see. How are you da dey?

Giant

Fine, fine. Keretapi…

Bill Clinton

You got married ah? Didn’t invite me also.

Giant

Yeah, sorry. Keretapi…

Bill Clinton

I’m the President of the United States, you know. It’s awesome!

Jack

Oh, maafkan saya. Masa dah tamat.

Giant

Tak guna!

Jack

Apakah jawapan anda?

Giant

Tak tahu lah!

Jack

Yes! Yes! Mana duit aku?

(Giant memberikan Jack sekeping cek)

Giant

Ini cek bernilai sejuta ringgit sumbangan Maybank. Voucher-voucher dan hadiah percuma boleh didapati di semua kedai Sony yang berhampiran.

(Jack dan Giant berjabat tangan dan ‘pose’ untuk jurugambar yang tiba-tiba muncul entah dari mana. Jack mula berjalan pergi)

Giant

Tunggu! Apa jawapan untuk soalan tadi?

Jack

Giant, Giant. Kenapa lah hang ni bodoh sangat? Dah lah nama pun Tembok Besar China. Mesti lah kat Argentina! Bengong betul lah hang ni.

(Jack beredar dari situ)

Narrator

Jack pun dengan hati yang gembira segera kembali kepada Jill untuk menyelamatkannya. Doktor mengambil wang daripada Jack dan memberikannya minyak angin cap Kapak untuk disapu pada kaki Jill. Maka berakhirlah kisah percintaan Jack dan Jill yang mengarut ini. Pasangan kekasih ini hidup bahagia selama tiga bulan. Giant yang terlampau marah dengan Bill Clinton, telah menyamar sebagai seorang wanita bernama Monica Lewinsky dan melibatkannya dalam sebuah skandal seks yang teramat dahsyat. Lelaki tua yang memberikan Jack kacang-kacang ajaib telah mati dibelasah oleh empat lembu yang tidak berguna itu kerana dia telah memaksa mereka bertelur emas. Damn!

TAMAT/THE END